his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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