He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
