just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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