smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
