Just cropdusted the office
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
