she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
