wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
