I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
how drunk are you?
Several
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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