even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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