Pants 0. Shit 1.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
