some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
