i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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