Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
