Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
