Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
