god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
