you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
