90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
