You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
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