So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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