There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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