He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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