Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
