Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize