Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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