Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
