The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize