Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
