Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The Olympian is in my bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
