it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
