If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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