Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
