Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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