So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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