my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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