he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Green mimosas i think yes
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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