I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Did I show you my penis last night?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
