so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
