she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
