Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
