fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
