I got her a Nickelback box set.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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