My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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