I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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