69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize