No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
