I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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