that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
