i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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