just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
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