I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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