tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Randomize