you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
