I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize