This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You were trust falling into bushes
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
