Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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