And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
