I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
