I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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