you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
