I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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