drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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