That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
