shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
